|Monday, March 10th, 2003|
Things have been rough lately. I have kept a smile on my face, but is it getting harder and harder to deal with. I'm scared and tired. I feel emotionally drained and a little unstable. I went raw last night. It upset david because we were suppose to have a gnocchi dinner (just the two of us) on Wednesday. I have some things to look foward to this week. Tonight is Mike Rancourt's celebration, Christopher comes back to town, Dumpster diving workshop with the kids, last all you can eat for atleast a week or so, Wednesday I am playing ball with Matt, maybe camping this weekend- if not then potluck picnic at the beach. I really want this day to just pass by. I'm still burping. I'm stressing out a lot. I've been making myself vomit from stressing so much.
ON another note... Eloikin came into town. I remember her from way back when. She's even friends with hjvroe. It was wonderful chatting with her and catching up. She'll be back in July and we'll have much more to talk about. We are going to organize this wonderful plan together along with a bunch of people she already recruited. It has given me new hope and definetly something to look foward to. Something to concentrate on. She's the type of person you want to hold forever. I really do love it when I find people similar to me. I have a lot of friends, but I don't feel they are similar to me. We are all extremely different. This is not a statement of value. Like I don't base their value on how similar they are to me.. no, not at all. I just really appreciate her. Sometimes I feel so out of place with everyone. It was the time with her when I didn't think of anything else but her, the dog, the garden, and what was to come. It was very positive.
|Thursday, March 6th, 2003|
This whole nonmonogomany business is crazy. I met someone who is amazing... incredibly wonderful, and just all around fun. I cannot stop smiling when I am around them... so we are "concentrating" on one another for the time being. I don't know. I've just had all of these dreams about being with him and then other people and then feeling guilty. There was even one instance where I felt jealous. Can you believe that shit. Not healthy at all. It was a weird feeling. It didn't feel good. I felt like an asshole. I really want to talk to Matt about this but he and I haven't had any alone time in ages. I really miss him.
On another note... I got my nipples pierced. Hurrah. The most wonderful piercing in the world. It's kinda funny because Annie got her nipple pierced the same day I did. Crazy. I'm excited about her coming down.
So the past two days I have had a tummy ache and vomiting. My friend Christopher is vomiting too. I think I poisoned him or something. arrggghhhh... he is so fucking awesome. I feel like a 'blow-it'.
This weekend I am going to table at the epicenter... which always makes me super happy. There is also a sleep over at David's on Friday... and Dispensing of false halos is playing at the Che. I am going to go see them and then head to David's. Sunday is FNB and soccer with Matt... hurrah. Today is the AYCE and meeting. I don't know how long I am going to stay at the meeting though since I am still kinda out of it from poisoning myself. We'll see though. Anyways. toodles my dears.
|Wednesday, February 26th, 2003|
so I am really upset right now. This band which was suppose to be here at 8pm didn't get here till 8:45 to play. Fuck that. Bullshit... total bullshit. Because of these inconsiderate bastards I am going to be here until atleast 1am. I wake up at 6am. FUCK THAT SHIT. I am so pissed off. I don't want to be here. I don't want this crap at all. I fucking told them the latest to be here is 8pm. fuck them. can you tell I am pissed?
|Sunday, February 23rd, 2003|
i am so happy right now. yep. hung out with an awesome friend... hurrah. super special... super wonderful
|Tuesday, February 18th, 2003|
I saw my baby sister for the first time today. It was the most precious thing to hold her in my arms. I don't even like babies... I don't dislike them, but I am totally fond of kids I can punch and stuff. You totally cannot punch babies. Anyways... she is just precious. My little sister Amanda is very jealous. Ahhhh... so much has happened since I last wrote. The hip hop show went well and a lot of people had fun. I got a date, but I have no idea when the hell I will find time to go on it.
I'm fasting today. It feels good. Yes assholes, I am spiritual. pfft!
|Thursday, February 13th, 2003|
Well things just aren't going right. Last night I wasn't feelin' bowling. I wasn't too feelin' on anything actually. A book and a fireplace maybe... but not bowling. No one is willing to back off and just let me be. I feel like there are too many expectations out of me. I was talking to Chris yesterday and we were talking about being the center of the universe in someone's life... I feel like everyone expects themselves to be the center of my universe but I'm certainly not theirs. It's overwhelming. That I am suppose to be an open book and not have anything for just me. I hate being sensitive to things that probably worthless to everyone else. I hate being hurt when others can't even comprehend that they are being hurtful. All this is very vague... I want to keep it that way. I just feel really lost.
|Wednesday, February 12th, 2003|
so I've totally been more open about discussing sexual "stuff". It's amazing. here is something I have thought a lot about... having sex or making out in the rain. I've totally madeout in the rain, but seriously.. how awesome would sex in the rain be? Jaysus!
|Monday, February 10th, 2003|
so do you ever do something that makes absolutely no sense and you wonder why the hell you did it in the first place? I did one of those things today. My friend JD and I decided that from 8:30-1:30 we were going to take a drink of water every minute. We times it... and although we tried to... I only took 246 drinks of water in that time period...which came out to be way over a gallon of water... I pee'd atleast 14 times today. One thing though, the day passed by so fast... it was interesting to say the least. Tomorrow I won't be doing any work with Sorrell... and I haven't done my homework for tomorrow. I plan on biking to school early and just getting the book and reading the chapter.
Today I went to go look for the book but I couldn't find it... then me and Matt went to smoozer's (SP?) and it was awesome. I ate refined sugar on accident... not awesome. Had some fun times with Matt and talking about things I have just recently have been able to discuss openly. I love the person who I have become. Now we are at David's house and playing video games. Jesus I suck.. and matt threw a fart in my face and david just farted on me. matt smells like he is decomposing.
|days to come
woke up feeling miserable. sick still. didn't do fnbs... ended up going on a bike ride I shouldn't have gone on. We went down to Mexico to a vegetarian restaurant that wasn't all vegetarian. Oh well. It was a good ride... and it was the first time i went off curbs or up curbs since i always had really thin road tires and was always intimidated by it. We went home and I got to talk on the phone with Donal. He's coming down from Ireland in seven weeks. Part of me is super excited, but part of me is a little hesitant to get excited. We were good friend a long time ago and just recently started talking again...which isn't much with our limited budget. we hadn't spoken in years and I know I have changed and I am sure he has too.
AFTer I got off the phone with him I went to the study group initial meeting and we decided on a book and we now need to decide on some text for just this week. I am super excited about it. The people seem nice and I hope more people show up.
After that I went to a show at the Che and the first two bands were awesome. I really enjoyed them. Some really nice kids I don't get to see that often were there too. Which is weird because I saw them on Saturday too while I was at INR ENRG. I was happy for once not to be in the kitchen at the Che. I didn't have to clean up... no dishes to wash for me! I stayed around talking to some kids... one of those kids being Chris Woo... I just randomly see him. We seriously need to stop that and hang out again. He might show up to FNB this Sunday...which would be nice.
Since i am not talking about anythign specific... I am going to my class and sleeping.
|Saturday, February 8th, 2003|
so last night was fun... the vagina monologues weren't exactly what I expected, but that is ok... it was still fun and good. The party was fun too eventhough it got shut down and carrie and adam got a $500 fine. That is fucking insane. I danced a little and a lot of people were drunk. It was too disturbing though. I've done a lot better with that. I did not make out with anyone-what the fuck is that? It was a fun night though. I slept in most of the morning and went to the CFA meeting and shared the "diana bombs" i made. Got new jewelry and just all together felt awful. yes fucking awful.
|Friday, February 7th, 2003|
So I went to a bar last night with a group of friends to go to 80's night. Me, big Mike, and Adam didn't drink... which was nice! I didn't feel alienated and weird like the first time I went there. We turned up the sass - and holy shit is big mike hot when he dances. We didn't dance that much. We did play some pool... a game that I picked up ok. I look foward to playing again and whooping some Matt ass. Diana (2:bowling) Matt (1:pool)... and it was a game I was a beginner at. I love those kids. Adam always makes me feel good and Mike always makes me smile. Carrie is so much fun too.
On another note* I played a sweet ass prank on Jim today. Holy shit was it funny. I got this gag thing that I will detail here because I plan on playing it on people who read this. It's hilarious!
And yet on another note* I still feel icky. Things are just weird right now. I think it is because I am not raw... but it certainly goes deeper than that.
tonight's agenda vagina monologues, party at adam's, heavy make out session
|Thursday, February 6th, 2003|
we went out bowling last night and it was a grand old time. but I went home feeling kind of sad. just something I need to talk over with myself I suppose. I am also sick right now... screw that crap. I guess I expended all my energy last night and it really screwed me up today. I'm on a bunch of herbs... and hopefully that will do the trick.
I had another strange dream last night. At first I was in this town and just taking random buses to random places. Then I was laying in the street. Then some tear gas was shot at me. Mike came and screamed and I picked it up (with gloves... what, I can't have super powers in my dreams or something) and threw it back. Then there was rubber bullets and more tear gas and so on. The whole time me and Mike are trying to stay together. Then there was this girl with freckles... but the more you looked at her freckles they were brown warts that completely circled her eyes. Then Mike decided to leave cause he said everything was done but it wasn't. I stayed behind and was in a room watching films. There was a guy and we started talking and flirting and we were mildly attracted to one another... and then he was the devil... in a christian sense of the devil. It turned out his brother was stuck in the computer monitor so I aggressively inserted a sword to destroy him. I looked around, but the devil had left... happy I assume since he didn't like his brother. I didn't care that he left. It was more a shrugg of the shoulders and I woke up. Basically what this boils down to is fuck fevers.
|Wednesday, February 5th, 2003|
Last night was my first night at school. Holy shit did it rule. It has been so long. It's a behavioral science statistics class. My class is completely full. I even met a vegan on accident my first day of school. Class was interesting and there seemed to be some nice people in class. The teacher is a bit wacky, but in a good way.
So during this class I suddening started thinking more about non-monogomany. It was something obscure the teacher said. Eventhough I know this, it was reinterated within myself. The advantage (for me) is there is no vulnerability. I don't know how to explain this without sounding ackward. I guess a warning to this would be... these are my answers not to be applied to anyone else... and maybe they will evolve/change. It isn't that there is no vulnerability, but it is different. When I had a crush on Mike Rancourt I became almost obsessed with him. Not in a shrine way... but when I found out there would be no opportunity for him to be attracted to me-I was crushed. By far, he, so far, has been the person I have been most attracted to in my life. Not that there isn't the opportunity to become vulnerable with NM... but it is a completely different realm so to say.
I don't know what the hell I am saying right now. I think I am approaching this wrong. If anyone were to read this.. they could draw the conclusion that I am NM because of fears... because of hang-ups/insecurities. The thing is... I don't have those anymore. I have noticed that change within myself. I'm not insecure with who I am, what I look like, or relationships that build up. I don't depend on those relationships to build. And the idea that you cannot build a close relationship with someone without being jealous of their "others" is... I reckon... horseshit. Maybe this will all pass, but I finally feel free. Maybe I can make sense of this later so I don't sound like such a ___________.
I'm eating carrots and raw cashew dip. Mike Rancourt hates it when I go raw. Current Mood: content
|Tuesday, February 4th, 2003|
So school starts today. I had the strangest dream last night. I was being hunted by a young boy-with strange abilities, but both of my parents were defending me... and my sisters were supporting me... supporting me by getting me dressed for battle. The motorcycle... which was mine, was still running in the garage... so I ran out to turn it off. Then I decided to go to VONS to acquire some cooked food. and then I woke up.
I've been thinking more and more about time- where do people find all this time to accomplish so much? Be involved in so many groups? I feel so stagnant in a way. I am still excited about changes to come... excited about helping matt with his book distro... I really want to have some changes in FNB, but there is a slight fear building up in me. If I suggest changes... HISTORICALLY... I am the only one who takes the intiative to follow through. I don't want anything to be so dependent on me to that extent again...
ok--- so there was just a meeting... sometimes I think we have meetings to hear people talk about issues that can be dealt with by just being considerate. Like pissing on toliet seats, toliet paper being out... etc etc... this is a school... any meeting that is going to take my time should be about developing programs, discussing IEP's, etc etc. At the end of the event Jim screamed proximity. Proximity is when you surround a student who is having problem behaviors. Three staff members will keep a student in a specific location in order to keep them from hurting themselves and others... well that was called on ME! Then they called hands on... where you have one person on each side of you and one person behind you. they dropped me to the ground and called prone. Which is when they completely hold you down. You give the child firm directions until they are compliant. My firm direction at first were... what colour is the floor... what colour is your shirt...it transitioned to say,"HAMBURGER" and say,"HAMBURGERS ARE GOOD." Revenge will be mine.
i got my friend Dave an interview (again) at my work... I hope he gets the job. It would be fun to have him around more often. we could do work together and on off times be able to work on other things.
I really have so much more to say, but now I am excited about getting reading for classes and getting home!
|Monday, February 3rd, 2003|
a lot of memories have been a somewhat smack in the face. sexual predators and self-loathing. I have a friend who was put in a similar situation... and she is going through all the same anxiety and self-loathing behavior that I went through. It scares me... and concerns me. She seems to be doing much better though. The idea of being at fault of being sexually violated because you put yourself in that situation is ridiculous. There is no justification for violating someone in that manner. I blamed myself for so long. I am sure many others did too and continue to do so. It angers me. I wanted to punch the person at the show. It bothered me that I had that amount of anger in me still. Of course I was angry because a friend I loved was hurt, but my old memories resurfaced. I knew what my friend was going to go through and it... I don't know. It just hurt.
i thought school started for me today, but it might start tomorrow.
hmmm... so this weekend was grand. I went to the cause/swindle show and did book distro for my friend Matt ... I met a lot of great people and got to talking about some good issues. It motivated me a lot. While I am happy with who I am... I am not happy with "what" i am. That is a totally generalization. It was friday that made me realize I am so much the lifestyle activist. I am not content with just having a lifestyle based on politics... I want more than that. I wonder how much more time I could actually put towards anything else... what more could I give up? It was strange timing on Sunday when Lauren and Matt began talking about it. I've been doing so much thinking lately it hurts. Thinking about non-monogomany and how excited I am about it. No more of this jealousy from other people... or people being anxious... or maybe I am being too hopeful. Monogomany is something you can depend on... completely routine... so it is safe... you can become dependent on someone and not have to deal with living as yourself. You get to live as a unit because a lot of the time you can lose your identity when in a monogomous relationship. Right now I am totally over-generalizing a very abstract topic... especially to me since it feels so fresh eventhough I have been battling with the idea of non-monogomany for quite a long time. Please don't take all of this as truths... they aren't even truths for me... I'm just fucking happy.. oK?
As for Friday I got to hang out with my new friend Chris a lot. I can tell we are going to build up a good friendship. He's good person.. a little cheeseball... and he has the haircut of Vern from stand By Me... but he is a wonderful person. I'm excited about getting to know him better. I feel very comfortable around him... as he can tell since I have given him a couple bruises already. Matt is feeling jealous because usually all that attention goes to him... I'm just joking.
There was also an event that I want to discuss that happened on Saturday night, but that will be a seperate post.
Sunday was lame. FNBs, fixin shit, soccer ruled, didn't go to the NASCO meeting, the show blew, and I went home and cuddling with my bunny and read and fell asleep almost immediately. I really needed sleep. Today is my first day of school... holy shit.
|Wednesday, January 29th, 2003|
So yesterday went well. New experiences are always interesting.
Where should I start... well yesterday went well... until i went to City College. I have to prove that I am a California State Resident eventhough when I did leave the state to go to school I had to pay out-of-state tuition... well my coach did. Anyways... this lady went all crazy on me. Oh well. Then I got lost somehow on the way to 99 Ranch.
Got to the Che and Spence was already cooking. Last night was weird. Ray and Sarah were there- I haven't seen either of them in quite a while. A bunch of nice kids were there. I am having fun getting to know Chris. One thing... a bunch of kids from Savannah showed up... and we talked about Constance... and Jeremy is Wendell's roommate in Savannah!... you know how long it has been since someone has called me "mama squirrel"? I truly do miss true forms of endearment. I wrote Wendell a letter. Talked about Hjvroe and how we all run into him at all these crazy places. It was good to catch up with jeremy. It was bad to hear there was no more FNBs. A lot of the crew moved or are drunk.
It was even better to catch up with Christian. He was the first person I met in savannah. He was wearing an avail shirt and was in my anthropology class. He has this weird "vibe" about him... in a good way. The way he talks and this body language always makes it seem like he is nervous. We talked about FNBs... and he brought up Sarah... a name that keeps being brought up by different people. He apologized for the FNBs benefit. Seems that some people thought that the DAMAD kids brought a BBQ and were roasting flesh. turned out to be other kids. I actually didn't know about the BBQ... I only knew about the large quanities of beer that were brought in that could has gotten us shut down. It was nice chatting with him. Nice to bring back memories and think about friends I haven't emailed in a while. Kinda makes me want to leave and meet new people... new community.
On another note... I did like Kylesa... and this band guyana punchline. GP was weird. Ok so not all of GP... just the singer. He would make these incredible faces. Almost scary. I told Josh he needed to make those faces when he made out with his next person he makes out with.
I talked to Chris K. yesterday too. His voice was so different. the tone. he was different.
I hurt my shoulder. goodness, this was such a boring entry. Current Mood: tired
|Sunday, January 26th, 2003|
|paint and tears
today was a weird day. I didn't do my Sunday routine. wake up- go to farmer's market-go to food not bombs. Today I woke up and went to FNBs. no one was there. no one showed up till noon and it was a volunteer that had stopped by weeks prior. two others came, but it still upset me. I am thankful that they came... and I hope this doesn't come off as if I don't appreciate them... but months prior my friends were talking shit on me. They ganged up on me all at once. I hated them for it and I still haven't forgave them for disregarding everything that I have ever done and disregarding the fact that I had feelings. It makes me not want to have friends anymore. This all might just be bleeding over from the night before. I painted some in the che. It turned out ok. I am almost finished. I need one more coat of paint. I am avoiding my house. I don't want to go home to it. I think what it is is that I don't want to go home to no one. Atleast here I feel alone in a good way.
|it's been so long
yes it has... maybe I've been too busy... maybe I've been reluctant to type anything down. I just finishes a marvelous book. It was so wonderful. It was a dungeons and dragons book... holy shit!
On another note... I decided I was going to look into getting a motorbike since I do not want to get another car. I'm going to take a class through the DMV to see if I really like riding motorbikes. I would like to get it before I start at CSU San Marcos. If I start there.
I went on a silent vigil... mostly a publicity stunt and it depressed me much. People were touching, calling us "chics", saying, "show me your boobs" and so on. There were too many people. Too many noises. Too many bad smells and so on. I wanted to be held afterwards. I made a lame/passive attempt to have someone cuddle me... but I didn't want to be selfish. It never happened. I haven't cuddled in a long time.
There are a couple of shows I am looking foward too though... and I am not raw again. Three weeks this time.. I think I would like to start up again on Monday since I am not really into the whole cooked food thing. I've been eating like shit. I think that is why I just don't feel as strong right now. It isn't that I have been eating cooked foods... just that I haven't been eating healthy ones.
I saw End on End yesterday afternoon. I freakin' love that band. They are so fucking good. I do not understand why more kids don't love that band.
I must be off. There is no one here for FNB and I am suppose to be working on electrical stuff and painting with Sam... but I guess he can do it till more people show up to do FNB.
-diana Current Mood: discontent
|Thursday, December 26th, 2002|
|I forgot this...
I spoke to Fernando about this holiday season and how many people assume everyone celebrates christmas.... or so it seems. everywhere I go I am greeted with merry christmas. I don't celebrate this holiday and it bothers me that everyone assumes I do. there even was an attempt (so I assume by the tone of her voice) by a person outside the VONS near my house to make me feel guilty for not giving the salvation army my change. She only said, "merry christmas." If you want to call me to hear the tone in her voice and my attempt to imitate her tone then fine... otherwise just take my word for it. I left San Diego to avoid dealing with this season... I still haven't dealt with how to react to someone saying merry christmas. most people would say just say it back... but I am not going to say something I don't feel. Just like when we share food and someone says god bless us... I certainly am not going to become involved in an exchange of blessings. Am I making a big deal out of nothing... perhaps... but it's my "nothing"